I want to stop reading the stories of the victims and what happened last Friday, but I can’t bring myself to stop clicking the links. I feel like I need to know as much about these beautiful souls as possible, because I know that if one of my babies was taken away from me I would want the world to know what their laugh sounded like, or how Reuben jumps at the chance to help and gets such joy out of knowing he did a good job. I would want everyone to know that while Julia struggles with her temper and using kind words sometimes she would do anything for anyone. Literally. One day last week she came home from school to tell me that a child she didn’t even know fell on the playground and was crying. She said that she wished it had been her because she doesn’t like when people cry and it made her heart hurt.
I would want to share with anyone that would listen. I would want them to know how amazing my babies are. How much I love them, and how much they love life. How they love painting and dancing. How they love laughing and drawing pictures for everyone in their lives. How Reuben collapses in a fit of giggles if I simply touch his belly, and how Julia likes to paint her fingernails a million different colors.
So I keep reading, and every time I read my heart breaks all over again. I cry when I hug my kids after dropping them off at school when I think about those parents who will never hug their children again. I sit silently by their bedside before I go to sleep. I listen to their breathing and watch their chest rise and fall. I brush their hair off their forehead and kiss their sweet cheeks. I say a prayer for those families that will no longer be able to do that. I lay in bed and I think about those 20 beautiful souls that that will never go to their prom, or drive a car, or get their first kiss. Those 20 beautiful souls that will never get married or have babies of their own. I think of the selfless teachers that gave their lives trying to protect them. And I think of the shooter and his mother. Yes. I think of them, too. Because no matter how heinous the crime, they have family and friends that are suffering. It is a tragedy all around, for everyone involved.
I pray for peace for everyone that was touched by the events of Friday. I cry, and although I feel incredibly selfish, I thank God with my whole entire being that I still have my babies here with me.